I Turn 29

tomorrow. This one crept up on me. I'm not scared about 29. Its not a biggie for me. Maybe next year my tune will be different as I leave my 20s and head into the 30s. Maybe next year I'll be putting on the breaks, trying to slow down the inevitable passage of time.

On the other hand, I was more afraid of 25. It seemed big to me at the time. For some reason I had in my mind that it was a major stepping stone. Perhaps the step from youth to full adulthood. Of course it also could have been the fact that life just wasn't going the way I had hoped. Before my 25th birthday I had just recently moved to Atlanta -- to me, a big city, full of opportunity, tons of coming-out possibilities, anonymity, free to be myself, independence, excitement. Here I was unemployed, waffling on whether to continue my chosen career path in software development or launch into something fresh and new.

That summer John Mayer filled my head with questions. (I listened to John Mayer before he was so popular that the radio stations overplayed him.) I was yearning to find the truth in my life. I wanted a definite answer. I remember playing John Mayer's Why Georgia song constantly on my stereo.

I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life
am I living it right
am I living it right
am I living it right
why, why Georgia, why

How fitting it was that his song was about Georgia. Here I was looking for the outcome in my verdictless life. That year I dubbed the yearning in my soul as a "quarter life crisis". I trudged on in my chosen field. And yet, I still don't know if I made the right decision.

Now at almost-29, I realize that answers never come easily or quickly. Often we make decisions and still wonder if the choice is right. But we follow the paths of our choices, hoping they will take us to the right destination.

I still have the "quarter life crisis" feeling occasionally. Maybe I should reevaluate this feeling. Maybe it isn't a quarter life crisis at all. Maybe there is something inside yearning to come out. I often feel that I'm following someone elses path in life and not my own. I still have questions that need to be answered. And then again maybe I just need to "grow up".

Nerd Heaven

I downloaded my first eBook tonight from eReader.com. I wanted to download Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down but it was not available on eReader.com. Instead, I chose How to Be Good by the same author. Since I'm not even finished with the first chapter I won't try to give a book review, something which I don't do well anyway.

At last, with my eBooks on my Tungsten E I'll be able to read in bed, beside Jeffrey with the light off. How cool! Now my Tungsten is my organizer, financial planner, date keeper, parking space number reminder, to do list, video game, jukebox, and mini library. How scary to think that without it now, I may be lost.

Now off to bed with me! Jeffrey's asleep but my Tungsten awaits.

Asparagus Pee

I steamed Asparagus for dinner tonight. And as always, I'm reminded a few hours and many pees later what I had for dinner. Asparagus pee, as many of you may know from first hand experience, is quite possibly the only food that continues to remind me that I ate something good for me.

Love is in the Air

The recurring theme lately seems to be marriage; marriage in general, and Gay marriage specifically.

My brother and now wife were married last weekend in St. Louis. (I was the best man. I had a post written but never posted.) Then I read with delight about Scott and Ian's wedding in The Netherlands. Now, Matt writes about the 2nd Annual Wedding March.

Jeffrey and I have talked about marriage on many occasions. I know Jeffrey is ready. My god, we're already living together. We share financial responsibilty. We share time with each other's family. So it wouldn't be such a big step. I know at this point Jeffrey is waiting for me to ask him because he tells me he doesn't want to feel rejected. Yes, I'm the one dragging my feet.

I don't know what's holding me back. Its not insecurity about the relationship. We've weathered many crisis in both our lives over the past two years that would challenge any commited couple. Its not lack of acceptance on the part of my family. They'd love to go to our wedding. They would have no problem with it whatsoever. So really, I don't know what the hold up is. Maybe I'm waiting for some sign. Maybe I just have the proverbial gay conflict: commitment-aphobia.

I guess this is one of those items that should go on my "things-to-work-on" list.

Brick Store Pub

After spending the entire day on Lake Lanier with some friends and their new boat, I dragged Jeffrey out to a new restaraunt in Decatur. Well, a new restaraunt for us. We so easily fall into a rut when its time to go out to eat. The conversation goes something like this.

John: "So where do you want to go?"
Jeffrey: "I don't know where do you want to go?"
John: "What are you in the mood for?"
Jeffrey: "I don't know. What are you in the mood for?"
John: "I chose last time."
etc.
etc.
etc.

And of course the inevitable happens, we start listing off our regular places. In the end we go to one of two places. We're not terribly exciting about our going out to eat choices.

But tonight, we added a new place to our repertoire. I had heard about the Brick Store Pub several weeks back. And I'm quite fond of dark, earthy pub-like restaraunts. This one certainly fit the bill. The food was hearty, pub food. The setting was nice low light with plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in. When the hostess sat us in a small room within 2 feet of two other two-tops and three feet behind a 4 top (all full) I first thought this was going to be horrible. We would hear everyone's conversations and vice versa. I get uptight when I think others can overhear my conversation. But surprisingly it didn't seem so bad afterall.

The menu was very extensive on the beers. They just opened a Belgian Beer bar with about a dozen beers on tap and over a hundred bottled beers. It was truely overwhelming (but in a good way).

After a satisfying meal and beers, we headed out to the town square where the Saturday evening concert was taking place. Decatur, fondly referred to as Dyke-catur, is a refreshingly progressive small bedroom community to Atlanta. It was pleasant to see gay couples comfortably walking around the town square. I love living in this area.

Working Out

I had my free Body Fat test at the gym today. My number: 18.2% body fat. Although that is in the "average" range, the trainer doing the test said my goal should be in the "good" range at approximately 12%. Ugh! How can possibly reach that goal? I thought I was doing pretty good already. I try to cook low fat, simple, healthy meals, exercise daily. Its hard work trying to stay healthy, much less trying to be fit at the same time.

I'll try for the goal but I'm not promising anything. Maybe that's the wrong attitude to take...

Gay Marriage

I found these numbers in the May 23 issue of Newsweek. Although there isn't a source
cited for the numbers, I still like them and thought I would share them with you.

Its a "year in numbers" for gay marriage in Massachusetts.

May 17, 2004: Date same-sex couples began legally marrying.

6,142: Number of same-sex marriages performed in Massachusetts from May 17, 2004
until February 2005.

2,170: Number of male couples.

3,972: Number of female couples.

30,872: Number of heterosexual marriages in Massachusetts during that time.

56%: Public support in Massachusetts for marriage equlaity in April 2005.

35%: Public support one year ago.

53%: Public support across the nation for a constitutional amendment defining
marriage as between a man and a woman.

14: Number of states that have amended their constitutions to ban gay marriage
since 2004.

84%: Percentage of Massachusetts voters who believe gay marriage has had a
positive or no impact on the quality of life in Massachusetts.

So there. I like those numbers and the obvious implications they make. Who knows,
if you saw this same type of article in a religious magazine you might see a
different spin. But I like to think that the good people of Massachusetts have
seen that same-sex marriage hasn't hurt their communities. In fact there may
be many ways in which their communities have benefited.

On that note I love to see two families
come together for a special time in the lives of a couple. What a beautiful
celebration! Maybe one day Jeffrey and I will be married. :)

TAR

Now that The Amazing Race is over maybe I can return to my regular sleep patterns. At this point Bush could win a third term and i'd still be happy. There's nothing sweeter than seeing Rob & Amberexia come in second (a.k.a first to lose). I was so happy for joyce 'n' uchynna i think i woke the neighbrohood....now if i could just get to sleep. I downed an entire bottle of wine (minus jeffrey's one glass) just too calm my nerves. Alot of goood that did. I'm still wound up.

Despite not having cable, Jeffrey and I got addicted to The Amazing Race, not my typical television fare. However, this one really got me. Every Tuesday night was a nail biter. And every Wednesday morning was impossible to get out of bed. Maybe I'll be ok tomorrow since I'm going to work late. Tomorrow I'm taking Sebastian (the dog) to Happy Paws Pet Camp for his "temperament test". He's staying there over the weekend while Jeffrey and I are in St. Louis for my brother's wedding.

Overheard in the Mother's Day Card aisle:

Father to Son, "Small doses of her go a long way."

Sebastian uses the pitiful look to get more treats. It works. 

I just paid the final deposit for our trip to England at the end of July. I'm really looking forward to this trip. Jeffrey hasn't been out of the country before. He's even a bit nervous about the flight over. But I'm trying to be encouraging and keep his mind focused on other things.

Its been 4 years (November 2001) since I last traveled to Europe. That's four years too long. Before that I traveled at least once per year since graduating college in 1998. Wow! That's quite a few trips, the longest being for 2 months after I graduated.

I miss traveling. I miss going to new cities and countries, exploring, being in different culture. Its an adventure because I never know what to expect regardless how much I've planned.

My interest in travel started back in 1986 when I was going into the 5th grade. My family (Mom, Dad, my brother and me) took a trip to England for 6 weeks. Dad is a minister. He was doing a "pulpit exchange". We basically swapped houses, churches and communities with another family in England. We lived in there house, drove their car while they lived here in our house and drove our car. I dont' know how mom and dad paid for the trip.

They kept telling us (as did everyone else) that this was the "trip of a lifetime". This was a "once in a lifetime experience". I guess I wanted to prove them wrong. So I decided to start traveling to Europe when I got the opportunity. Fortunately, during my years in college I had many opportunities that I seized.

I want Jeffrey to experience the same thrill and excitement I get when traveling some place new. Its more of a selfish desire than anything because I want us to travel more. Actually, I want us to travel a lot.

So this trip, which we're taking with our church choir, is a good step for Jeffrey. Although it is a group trip (I prefer traveling alone or in pairs), it will be a good organized way for Jeffrey to get a taste of traveling.

Now if he can only stay calm for the entire, I think all will be well.

I just thought I'd sit down and write a bit tonight. Nothing specific. Its just that I've been having trouble sleeping the past few nights and feel like getting up to write. But I know if I do get up, it will be a long time until I sleep again. And since my mornings start really early, I try to get as much sleep as possible.

Its quiet with the fan running in the background. Jeffrey's downstairs packing his stuff for work tomorrow. I'm drinking a glass of wine to settle down. I try not to drink during the week because I have a terrible time waking up in the mornings even after one glass of wine. But I need just one to settle me down right now. Maybe tonight I'll get a better night's sleep.

And besides, right now no one is reading my blog (or going to it). So I can write whatever I want. Of course I haven't really publicized my blog yet because...well, there's nothing good yet. I wanted to get a few posts up first. Start establishing my voice. Decide what I want to write about. Decide what I want to say. Then I'll start posting on other sites and hopefully directing traffice my way.

So tonight is just a stream of conscious.

I'm stuck again.

Runaway....

As the story of the runaway bride here in Georgia unfolds, I find more disturbing
not Jennifer Wilbanks' poor judgement or selfish behavior, but the fascination and
obsession we have of her story. We've become nosey voyeurs peering into someone
else's bedroom waiting to catch them showing emotion or maybe doing something
wrong. She made a mistake. So what? Who cares that she skipped town the week of
her wedding? CNN/Money posted pictures of some of the gifts that were purchased on
their registry. The estimated value of her wedding (approx. $100,000) was also
reported.

But its not her mistakes that are disturbing to me. Its what we watch on TV. We somehow feel entitled to know what happens to people that "appear" in the news. Its almost like we're at the zoo and ANYTHING that person does is fair game for our eyes and ears. We're quick to judge all their actions, forgetting that most of what happens is never reported. The family emotions, complicated relationships, specific events surrounding her dissappearance are never known. And without the specifics we love to conjecture, judge and conclude.

I don't watch that much television because I don't subscribe to cable. However, I do watch network news occasionally. Although, I mostly read the news online. This past Saturday, after she was found, our local Fox station aired a disturbing video of her family's reaction. The footage was shot during the night from outside the house, looking into the kitchen. You could see the family moving around, hugging each other, smiling, obviously elated with the news. It was as though, the family didn't have the right to privacy at this point. They were on display and all their emotions and private moments belonged to us.

This reminded me of similar news footage when Martha Stewart was released from prison. A video clip of her in her own kitchen was widely distributed.

I don't really have any conclusions about why this is happening. Just some observations. It would be easy to just sit back and say that its the media's fault. They're feeding us this crap. Yet, I don't think that's always the case.

Hey! This isnt too bad....There are some things I could change to up the number.

You Will Die at Age 79

79 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?